I have three grown daughters. All three are incredibly smart, hilariously funny, and strikingly beautiful. All three are either in or headed toward careers in business and medicine. They are gifted women who love Jesus.
None of them has ever dated seriously.
And that’s O.K.
I want to talk honestly about dating from the perspective of NOT dating because this is the reality for many girls. For some it’s a choice; for others, not so much. But for all of our girls, dating is a subject that is talked about so much, even in Christian circles, that a girl who doesn’t date might begin to feel that there’s something wrong with her.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
So today I want to write to encourage you to think about dating in a slightly different way: your daughter is not failing you, herself, or Jesus if she doesn’t date in high school or even in college.
[Side note: I asked my youngest, who is 18, if it would be O.K. for me to write about this, thinking I would title it “When Your Daughter Doesn’t Date,” but she suggested the title above because, as she said, not dating shouldn’t imply that something is wrong with her. She and her sisters don’t feel a deep need to date right now. They know that when the time is right and the right person comes along, God will make it happen. Thus, the title above.]
Some Myths About Dating
Let’s get something off the table right now: If your daughter does not date right now, Jesus is not, nor will He ever be, your daughter’s boyfriend. To say “Jesus is my boyfriend” diminishes His role as Savior, Redeemer, and King. Jesus as boyfriend brings him down to our level, a place that He has never had nor should ever have. Jesus is so much more than a “boyfriend,” so let’s stop that talk right now.
One more thing. Dating is not sinful. Wanting to date is normal. Healthy, even. But when we put too much emphasis on dating, especially when our daughters aren’t ready for it, we put too much pressure on them to make it happen. Disastrous results can happen when girls feel pressure to date.
What I’m saying is that your daughter should feel O.K. in how God has made her so that she doesn’t need to date. And I think it’s up to us, moms, to help instill this in her.
Some Encouragement
So how do you raise a daughter who doesn’t need to date? Here are a few suggestions.
Encourage her growth in Christ. Help your daughter understand the value of the church body and encourage her to be involved in it. Help her become disciplined in Bible reading. And pray, not that your daughter would date, but that she would grow in the knowledge and love of her Savior.
De-emphasize the dating scene. As your daughter grows up, talk about dating will be a huge conversation. Girls talk about it at school and with their friends all. the. time. and the pressure to date is immense. It’s our job as parents, I believe, to make them feel safe within the boundaries of our home. Love and acceptance is the key, whether or not she dates.
Emphasize her gifts and callings. Your daughter is so much more than a person who dates or doesn’t date, so help her put her energy into other things. School, for instance. Being a good friend. Serving others. Your daughter has so much to offer others. She doesn’t need to date to do these things.
Finally, build her up in the Lord. Each of our daughters is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is deeply loved and accepted by a holy, creative, and loving God—Scripture is full of truths like these! The best news is that God’s love for her is never conditional. Help your daughter see that she is worthy of love and acceptance just the way she is and that God, who was willing to send His son to die for her, is truly at work in her life right now. She doesn’t need a boyfriend to make her what she already is—a beloved child of God.
I love these verses from Romans 8:
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38 NLT)
“Since he did not spare even his own Son, but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32 NLT)
God, who loves us so much, can be trusted to fill in the lonely gaps. He knows what our daughters need—it’s not popularity or affirmation or even a boyfriend. What our daughters need is more of Him.
**For more on dating and raising daughters check out Mothers of Daughters Discuss Dating.
11 Comments
Could you link to Shelly’s blog? Maybe it’s there, and I’m just not seeing it. Wonderful piece full of helpful thoughts as I raise my daughter. Thank you!
Sorry, Carolyn. It’s http://www.shellywildman.net.
Yes, yes, YES! I’m not a mother of daughters. I’m a mother of SONS, and this article makes me so happy. Let’s allow our daughters and sons to get to know one another as God leads and in good time. Let’s not make them feel that they are in any way “less than” if they’re not dating in high school or college. Thank you, Shelly!
“As God leads.” That’s really the key, isn’t it? Thanks, Richella!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
What wise words of encouragement…and necessary direction for parents raising children in a world full of pressure to date. I would argue that the church, too, speaks its own messages of pressure to date, though unintentional.
The only addition I wish you would make to this article is the fact that the same is true for those of us raising sons. I believe the pressure is different but just as present.
Another homerun, Shelly!
Hi Karen!! Yes, the church does sometimes put undue pressure on both guys and girls to date and/or find a spouse. I think you’re right. And, yes, this is also true for boys, but that’s another blog.
We have done similar with our children. We have four and we don’t allow dating until they are basically 18 or older. I specifically tell my kids, “Dating is for finding a mate”. It is not meant to try people out as so many suggest these days. While you are looking to find compatibility and getting to know someone, too many times dating leads to all the wrong things. We need to make sure that our kids are secure in themselves and their relationships with the Lord. Being teens is hard enough and dealing with raging hormones is even harder. It’s ok to have guy friends and girl friends but you want to be building each other up. It’s very easy for girls and women to give their hearts away too easily. We need to teach them to guard their hearts and to wait on the Lord’s timing. It may come quickly or it may take a long while. But if we wait on Him, it will be much better then if we try to do it on our own.
I would like to add that a young woman or man should only date someone they feel would make a good marriage partner. The reason for this is: 1. Dating can lead to other things such as marriage to the wrong person due to familiarity or expectation. Which can lead to divorce after the honeymoon wears off. 2. Dating can lead to pre-marital sex, drugs, sexually transmitted disease, unhealthy attachments. 3. Dating can lead to a myriad of other sins due to association with the boyfriends wrong circle of friends or family. My daughter has graduated from college with her masters degree and she has great career plans. She has not dated because she has not met anyone that fits her criteria for a husband. She is a successful, beautiful and confident young woman who doesn’t need a relationship to validate her worth, unlike too many young women today. I have taught her to get her worth from who she is IN Christ.
Encouragement for girls who aren’t dating: I didn’t date in high school or college. Not that I had made that choice ahead of time, but I didn’t want to date anyone who I couldn’t see myself possibly marrying someday, and the right guy with mutual interest just didn’t happen during those years. During that time I was able to build friendships, start new hobbies, and get to know God and myself better. I finally started dating a good friend at age 24-my first boyfriend. We’ve been happily married for 15 years now and have our 4 children. I’m so glad God spared me the drama and heartbreak of serial boyfriends and break-ups. No regrets here!
I absolutely love this, Sarah! So glad you shared your story. You sound much like my daughters-they don’t want to waste their time with guys who might not be right for them. Those years were not wasted just because you didn’t date-you were just figuring out yourself, life, relationships, and everything else. So wise. Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for writing this post! I have five daughters and two sons and a wife of nearly 25 years. (7 kids ages 2-13)
As a former school counselor, I saw too many unhealthy relationships among teens (and even pre-teens). Relationships predicated on the idea that “If I am a girlfriend/boyfriend, then somebody likes me so I must be valuable or worthy.”
We are all created in God’s image and are therefore valuable.