If you’re joining in this series for the first time, feel free to read part 1 over here.

Twenty uniquely created faces stared at me with secret hurts, uncertainties, longings. I saw in the darkness of their eyes a reflection of the woman I once was, a teenager looking for love, affection, and affirmation of her beauty. Curled into the corner of the couch, a blonde all-American looking athlete with bright blue eyes confessed, “I just don’t see beautiful when I look in the mirror. I don’t feel it as true, even though others tell me I am.”

I sighed. Groaned a silent prayer. And offered my own confession, “I’ve struggled most my life with feeling ugly. Not pretty enough. Awkward looking. Afraid to be seen.”

Her eyes grew large, “Really? Even now?”

“Yes. Really. Even now. It isn’t as bad as it used to be. Maybe because it doesn’t matter as much when you get older? Maybe because in light of eternal things, my beauty is no longer my focus.”

Maybe.

***

As I left the girls that evening, my thoughts turned to my own daughters and their individual plight with beauty. My oldest, only 12 at the time, was already judging her appearance by comparing herself to her friends. If that becomes her standard, she’s doomed to feel like the ugly duckling even if she is the most beautiful swan in the pond. Her long, thick flowing hair, so casually pulled up for a good workout on the basketball court would be a high price salon-do for the average woman. Her solid legs and quite large feet seem so out of place in her world, yet they give her the most graceful lay-ups as a young athlete. Her thick eyelashes catch the rain and annoyingly stick together, but she will never need a lick of mascara. Yet all my daughter sees are thighs twice the size of her peers, feet too big for cute shoes, hair without curl, and not a single good reason to wear makeup, even though everyone else is doing it and she secretly wants to join in, too.

What woman can’t relate to her plight?

The minute I became a mom, I vowed my daughters would feel beautiful and know their God-given beauty.

They were going to hear it from me, and from their daddy, too. I prepped him well! We’ve pointed out their God-given features time and time again: their yummy chocolate brown eyes, striking lashes, unique and naturally-different shapes. I’ve guarded against comparison and filtered out praises on anything fleeting. Yet my daughter has bought the lie that “Mom, you have to tell me I’m beautiful. I’m your daughter!”

Hah! Doesn’t she know that momma don’t lie!

And then Satan gets me a good one, as I wonder if she struggles with her appearance because I struggle with mine. The irony is that everyone says we look alike, but of course we don’t see it, nor do we see our own beauty. Our vision is skewed through the lies of the Enemy using the culture and our insecurities as the means to derail us from living comfortably in our own skin. It is a great tactic, because when we become consumed with ourselves, we will miss the opportunities to join the Lord in the work He has for us each day.

***

My beauty issues started long ago and shaped the course of my life.

Although my parents urged me to become at teacher, because it was practical and possible, I was paralyzed by the fear of getting up in front of class. I didn’t want anyone to look at me! That’s how ugly I felt, thanks to a few people who pointed out my “ugliness” at the tender age of 10. Those deep wounds rerouted my self-esteem and influenced even my career choice!

It turns out my parents saw through my skin and into my God-given abilities, however I couldn’t embrace my calling to teach until I stopped looking in the mirror. My passion for the Word, heart for this generation of teens, and zeal for seeing women experience life transformed, ultimately trumped my self-consumption. With each God-ordained speaking opportunity, I was forced to push past my insecurity and figure out how to live in the skin I’m in while doing what God has called me to do — share the Good News.

Yet even though I know the truth of about my worth and God-given beauty, Satan pursues me with the lie that my appearance determines my significance. Minutes before I was to speak before an audience of 70 women, the host looked at my bio and said, “Oh, that doesn’t look like you at all. You’re prettier in person.” I couldn’t take it as a compliment because I thought that was the best photo ever captured of me. The Enemy of God was seeking to rattle my cage moments before I was about to speak God’s Word, hitting me in my weak spot of insecurity about my appearance.

***

I am convinced that our quest for beauty isn’t all about beauty.

It is one powerful method used by the Enemy of God to destroy the work the Lord intends to accomplish in our lives. From this perspective, we need to redefine beauty, not only for ourselves but for the sake of our daughters.

My vow more than a decade ago was to make sure my girls knew they were pretty — to protect them from the harm of seeking affirmation in all the wrong places — but now, my vow is for them to know the truth.

Beauty is defined by Whose you are and how you live for His glory in the skin He has given you. {click to tweet}

As moms, our words of praise must focus more on our daughters’ character and less on their appearance. Our approval must be based on how they live each day and not how they look. Sure, we should pay a nice compliment here and there, when we see they took the time to present themselves well, but we must weigh these words carefully, making sure the percentage of appearance compliments doesn’t outweigh the character affirmations.

We should purpose to cultivate our daughters’ identity around their worth as a child of God, conceived and purposed by a Holy God, to live a life of sacrificial service and worship unto the Lord. This act of worship is not dependent on appearance or even limited by age, strength, intelligence, or disability. Simply honoring God with the gifts and talents He has sown into our lives is the greatest reflection of true beauty.

Will you join me in living this way and impressing this into the hearts and minds of our daughters?
Reflection Questions:

1. What do you focus on in terms of your own beauty? Is this too much? Too little?
2. How does your focus on beauty distract you from the opportunities to both serve and worship God?
3. What are the things you focus on in your daughter’s life?
4. What percentage of comments have to do with her appearance as opposed to her character?
5. What action step can you take this month toward redefining beauty for yourself and your daughter(s) according to the Scriptures and character of God? Read Romans 12, Psalm 51, 1 Samuel 16:7

This is part two of a three part series focusing on how we can redefine beauty so that we may raise up daughters with a new identity that breathes life into their souls. Be sure to subscribe to Mothersofdaughters.com so that you don’t miss future posts in the Redefining Beauty series. Also, feel free to make the most of the Redefining Beauty resources at More to Be.