In high school, and in college, I was a heaping mess insecurity wrapped in over-confidence. I really wanted people to like me, but more than that, I really wanted them to think I was something, someone, that I was “it”. Honestly, I didn’t really know what “it” was. Before I was a believer, “it” seemed entirely unattainable. When I became a believer, I was like a kindergartener walking into AP statistics; I knew nothing. “It” seemed really distant then as well, but I sure did try.
I spent all of my time watching people, figuring out who the important ones were. I watched interactions, took thousands of mental notes, and then began to line up my behavior and attitude with those notes. Sometimes the notes were confusing. What one person seemed to want was different than what another wanted. So, I chose the person I thought was more important, and went about conforming my ways.
By the middle of college, I wasn’t really sure who I was. I wish I could say it ended there, and that after some great epiphany, I was no longer enslaved to finding and being “it”. But, that wasn’t the case. In fact, I lived much of my 20′s in a similar, albeit more tidy, version of that young girl.
I wish I had known that in God’s kingdom there are no “it” girls. I wish I had understood that every intricate part of who I was, was woven by the hands of a good and loving Father. I wish I had understood the depths of my own sin and how it had seeped into my heart, making idols out of people, chasing “it” instead of chasing Him.
I wish I would have relaxed and paid better attention to others, instead of being so consumed with myself. I wish I would have given “it” up a lot sooner.
Today, I know that “it” doesn’t exist, but that He does. “It” is an always changing ideal; subjective, ungracious and more trouble than it’s worth.”It” is like squeezing a handful of sand, the more you have, the tighter you need to hold on, and the faster it slips through your fingers. God is a gracious, good, unchanging Father who has, in Christ, made wholeness attainable for a sinner such as me. He holds us firmly in His hands, never to lose a single one of His beloved children.
If I could tell the high school version of myself one thing it would be to let “it” go. Every now and then, I need to tell the grown up version of me the very same thing!