There seemed to a struggle going on under the surface that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. My daughter’s were usually excited and prepared ahead of time for youth activities, but now I was noticing this had detiorated to nill, and they were dragging their feet when it was time to leave the house.
I finally called them into my room, for a little heart to heart. It took a little pulling and tugging, but in the end, this was something I would have never guessed.
Other mom’s have been using the girl’s as an example to their own daughters and comparing their behaviors. The other girls would then come to youth activities and shun my daughters. Finally, one of my more “brave,” girls dared to ask what might be the problem.
One of their friends told her this, “Our mom’s are using you and your sisters as an example of how much “better we could be.”
Oh, the heartbreak. All with good-intentions. The identity trap that mother’s have set up for their daughters to fall into. Causing division in their friendships, thinking they must copy-cat another girls strengths and forgetting that God made them just as special and for a very special purpose.
Comparison is a trap that robs a girl of her identity and confidence in Her Creator.
While we want to raise brave daughters who will stand up with character and righteousness, we also want them to be able to be confident in their “own skin.” Being careful to not compare them to other girls that may model character or behavior that we “wish,” we would see modeled in our daughters lives.
Remembering that as daughters of the King, we all grow at different paces, and with different gifts. Never will be there one daughter the same in your own home, as similar as the differences in the girls in their peer groups.
We cannot rush growth, nor change the strengths and weaknesses that our daughters will come by. We can teach, and model and mold, but their identity needs to come from Christ, and not the girl next door.
It really isn’t “fair,” to compare. It is a burden to the daughter that just cannot please with her outward actions, or to the girls that may have a strength that God is still molding and shaping.
Let’s reshape the future of our daughters identity together:
- Stop comparing and begin sharing. Teach, talk and re-shape hearts at home, not in the peer groups.
- Focus on their weaknesses as strengths. A daughter’s strongest character can come from her biggest problems.
- Re-inforce your love and appreciation for your daughter’s unique gifts and personality. Draw the goodness out of her, rather than driving the joy out of her.
- Remind your girls that true Identity for any of us can only come from One. Even parental approval cannot fill in the gaps that Christ himself saved for His love. Lead them to Jesus in a very personal way.
“Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others.” Galatians 6:4 (CEV)
There is so much freedom for girls growing up, in knowing that God created them to be a special daughter of the King. When they look in the mirror, may they not see or hear another’s name that God hasn’t called them to be.
If we can squash the comparison trap when they are young, imagine the power of accomplishment, confidence and joy in the next generation of daughter’s to come.