She walked in the door red-faced, desperately trying to hold back her tears, as she handed me a folded up note. It was a letter. No, it was actually a list naming off all the things she did to this life-long friend that made her mad, accusing her of things that never happened, and criticizing her for even being alive.

Where did these hurtful words come from?

They were crushing — because hurtful words wound deep and last longer than an ordinary bruise.

They can’t be erased or removed once spoken or written. But they can be forgiven. They can be reconciled. By God’s grace, restoration is possible for those who are willing to walk the road of redemption. It’s not an easy road, but it’s one we’re called to in the pursuit of peace.

Romans 12:18 NIV
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

We – us momma bears and our girls – are held accountable for our effort in process of pursuing peace, not the outcome. God isn’t calling us to make peace happen, but He is urging us to strive for it. Work at it. Make a go of it. Whether it’s a situation like the one my daughter went through in middle school or something of much great consequence, like a massive marital disagreement, conflict with a dear friend, or a disagreement with church leaders.

Of course it’s within our nature to flee from such conflict, especially when the ring of hurtful words echoes through our minds. But God has called us to work at living in peace with others, instructing us to walk humbly before Him as we seek forgiveness and strive for reconciliation (Hebrews 12:14, Micah 6:8, Colossians 3:13). So how exactly do we go about pursuing peace in the face of conflict?

More importantly, how should we respond to our daughter’s frenemies in a way that is grace-filled and loving, but wise and discerning?

3 Steps for Pursuing Peace {Especially with Frenemies}

These three steps of pursuing peace, especially with frenemies — you know that friend that became an enemy overnight — is what I’ve come to call the “House Illustration” as I work with the girls I mentor and walk through the inevitable friendship conflicts my own teen daughters have faced.

Step 1:  Seek God Honestly

Be honest with God about your feelings and the circumstances, by considering these perspectives:

• Is this a result of differing perspective or personality differences?
• Is this a result of pressure, such as other’s opinions or the culture’s influence?
• Is this a result of moral or theological difference?

Step 2: Seek Reconciliation (If Possible)

Begin the rebuilding process by forgiving the person who hurt you, even if you don’t yet feel it, as well as seeking forgiveness from God and the other person, if necessary (Matthew 6:12). If you can’t have contact with the other person, still walk through the forgiveness process with the Lord. (For ideas on how to walk through the forgiveness process, download this free resource.)

Step 3: Move Forward . . . Like a House

As your heart heals and trust is slowly rebuilt, you may be ready to rebuild the relationship. As you do so, consider applying what I call the “House Analogy” to help you move forward with healthy boundaries.

• Your House = Access to Your Heart
  Think of yourself as a house, where the front door provides access to your heart. The Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 NIV, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  Guard who gets access to your heart! Be discerning, making sure they share your values and beliefs.
• Your Yard = Where Your Friends Hang Out
  Your front yard is your public space, where you get to spend time with your friends, as well as those you enjoy being with but don’t necessarily share the same values or beliefs. An “inside the house friend” who has broken trust should become a “front yard friend” for a time of healing and rebuilding.
• Your Fence = The Boundary Line
  Your fence is a distinct boundary line set between “front yard friends” and everyone else who you’d consider an acquaintance. These folks don’t get access to your heart nor do you hang out with them. You just give them a friendly wave as they pass by.

While conflict with friends is unavoidable, it doesn’t have to define our lives. Even the worst of friendship drama can come under the redemptive work of Christ when it’s surrendered to Him. As moms, we have the opportunity to lead our girls in that process, and maybe learn a thing or two for ourselves!

Years have passed since that hurtful note was sent my daughter’s way. By God’s grace, their friendship was slowly restored, making what Satan intended for destruction into something beautiful. As we look back from this vantage point, we’re thankful we get to celebrate the way God worked through us as we embraced the call to pursue peace and work through the process of forgiveness.

***

If you’d like to turn this topic in a mentoring group discussion or a mini-Bible study with your daughter, download this resource from More to Be.