The Most Amazing.
Absolutely the One.
Without question, she’s a shining star.
Aren’t these the words we crave to hear . . . from just one person in the flesh. We can’t help but want to have our value affirmed by those who know us best. And yet, sometimes all we hear is silence. That’s exactly what my life coaching client admitted, when she confessed she simply wanted to be on someone’s top 10 list. Anyones. Honestly, I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way. She’s been hard at work in a rewardless field, crusading for a cause that has consumed her life personally and professionally. She often takes the place of second fiddle, not being recognized for her gifts, talents, and insanely valuable contributions. She returns home every evening to unwelcome solitude, wishing and dreaming about there being just one person excited to greet her and sing a sweet word of praise. Isn’t that the cry of all our hearts?
Don’t we want to turn the door handle and enter into a safe-haven of love, support, encouragement, and companionship?
For some, like my client, all she hears is deafening silence void of people. And yet, aren’t there many among us who enter our home-space full of people but equally empty. It may be our home of origin that feels like a graveyard, where wounded parents are incapable of the love God designed them to pour out. It may be the broken home in which we’re raising on our children, where betrayal, abandonment, addictions, and distractions have destroyed what God intended.
The brokenness doesn’t change the desire to be valued and seen in us and our daughters.
As adult women, as moms, we long to be known and loved. That longing isn’t just ours alone. Our girls (and sons) crave it too. They want to be welcomed home and find a safe-haven from the world, not only physically but also in their hearts. They crave a place to be wholly and holy affirmed by us, their mamas, who see them at their worst and know them at their best. And yet, wouldn’t you agree that this longing goes unmet every single day. By too many mamas. By too many daughters. Friend, how about we commit to each other to at break the dysfunction by pursuing God and asking Him to cultivate new way of living with our girls in embracing their God-colors and ours?
Matthew 5:14-16 MSG
Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world.
What’s a God-color? Well the artist in me thinks of it this way: It’s the way God made each of us totally unique. He picks up His artistic tools and creates our life uniquely with His colors, strokes, materials, and purposes. Each one of us is a distinct creation reflecting the Creator’s handiwork, not ever meant to be compared or outshine anyone else, but rather collectively shine bright for God’s glory. So what does it look like to help our girls embrace their God-colors through being mindful of the way we speak to them, interact with them, and provide a strive to make home a safehaven?
1 — Point to the Truth Source
God has the ultimate soul-deep, life-transforming answer to this very human question: Am I valuable? He’s the one that determines our worth, and it comes through saving faith in Jesus Christ as Lord, as we are adopted into the family of God (Ephesians 1:5).
We are valuable because God made us valuable.
When are girls are seeking praises and affirmations, pointing them to the truth of Scripture in regards to their identity and helping them discover how to make their relationship with God their own, is the only way.
2 — Quit Living as Walking Wounded
If we, as the moms, don’t have our identity shaped by God, we might respond from a twisted place of not-yet-healed and still-longing for affirmation ourselves.
We are always at the risk of operating from unhealed wound, unless we’re willing to have God examine our hearts through evaluating our words.
Oh yes, we can carry on wounded-way of thinking to the next generation without even realizing we’re doing it ourselves (Luke 6:44-45). But by being conscience of the words coming out from our own mouths, we can take a pulse on our heartbeat and bring our needs before the Lord instead of passing them onto our girls.
3 — Stop Dishing Out Empty Platitudes
If we don’t understand the depth of our worth found in our position as a child of God, we might very well find ourselves dishing out empty platitudes or compliments based on performance, appearance, or connections.
We are tempted to praise the perishable when we lack spiritual eyes to see the unfading beauty of God’s design.
Rather than affirming our daughters (and sons) God-ordained wiring and in-His-image identity, we pump up their worth in things that perish and fade away. That’s the pitfall of looking at the outward appearance instead of the heart, which is what God is most concerned about (1 Samuel 16:7).
4 — Don’t Single Out One Over the Other
When we publicly single out our daughters (and sons) with praise based on human value and earthly performance, we’re actually causing harm to others. Oh yes, “the best daughter ever” isn’t only a true statement if she is the only daughter. But when there are others siblings in the mix, “the best” implies that those not mentioned don’t measure up.
When we point to the spotlight towards one, we’ve got be sensitive to who those in the shadows.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t give praise, but rather that we should strive to make it unique and personal, like “I love your kind heart and tender way you treat others.” That compliment doesn’t put anyone else down but rather affirms a God-given quality manifest in your girl’s life (Philippians 1:6).
One of the best ways to find the words to speak life to our girls is to walk alongside them in the process of identify their God-given wiring. This is the heart behind “Mosaic: Bringing Out Your God Color” — it’s really an invitation for you to spend time with your girl, and together uncover her beautiful combination of strengths and weakness along with spiritual giftings. Oh my, wait until you see how it will set her up on a purposeful, God-confident course, while also giving you plenty of new ways of seeing God at work in her and opportunities to offer much needed affirmation.
I wholeheartedly believe that God intends to use our words to call out His best in our girls and affirm His identity at work in them. Whether it’s the words we say or don’t say, all have the power to give life or death — both to the ones we’re speaking to and those standing in the wings.
Proverbs 18:21 ESV
Death and life are in the power of the tongue . . .
Matthew 12:36 NIV
But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.
As we think of this sober reality, and the knowledge that we will have to give account for the words we’ve spoken, I pray that we’ll respond to the challenge before us to weigh our words (and actions) carefully as we strive to glorify God and join Him in His kingdom purposes in the lives of our girls. May He use us to unpack their God-colors.
But By His Grace,
P.S. Mama, did you know it’s just as important for you to embrace this process for yourself. Oh yes, knowing your wiring will free you up to be the BEST mom for your daughter. Drop me an email at elisa(at)moretobe(dot)com if you’re interested in knowing more about how the Highlands Assessment partnered with a coaching session can help you and mentioned MODSquad to get the special rate!
Giveaway: To be entered to win one PDF of Mosiac by Elisa leave a comment below and tell us what “God Color” you already see in your girl! Winner will be chosen at random from comments and emailed this Friday November 4, 2016!